…it’s been a while, eh?
well, to be fair. i haven’t done much and am sharing a drink with a friend whilst i have dinner be cooked for me. which is nice. the last month or so have been pretty uneventful. apart from my birthday which was okay, i guess. lotta people i wanted to spend the day/night with but couldn’t cos they couldn’t make it, so that was gutting, but they have made up for it (not that they had to). so, i went to a bar called ‘serena’ for my birthday and four days later for valentine’s day i took a friend out for drinks (cos we were both alone) and he introduced me to a merlot called ‘serena’. so we got fucked on serena, with serena. pity we weren’t at serena. oh well, can’t have my cake and eat it 
oh yeh, so the other day, i also found a coffee (sold at shtarbucksh) called ‘serena’. so, i guess this is the city for me then, haha. trying to find a permanent job, at the moment, actually. wanna try and stay here if i can… i’m sure my parents will freak though – but to be honest, i’d ratheer sort any remnance of a career out if i can. do the psychology thing on the side (did i mention i got accepted to do a masters in forensic psychology starting october?) and the acting thing in my spare time, until it gets (IF it gets) more serious. these are crazy times – i hate having to be responsible. also want to get more acting training in if i can, but of course that costs more money… stuff that i don’t have.\
ugh… suddenly don’t have the impetus to continue… watch this space…
love you…
x
p.s. we’re past day one of our movie shoot!
Doing things for the sake of doing things for the sake of doing them.
Using bait to fish for the same compliments you were fishing for last summer.
Speaking to the same ignorant fucks who enjoyed fucking me over yesterday.
Spending time with her again because you feel obliged to make up the lost time.
Stealing glances from me in the same way you glanced at her ass.
Trying to grow from the seeds we planted for the good-of-the-whole tree.
Knowing they’re not yours you knew you’d know them soon.
Screwing the neighbours in your attempts to screw me, the neighbour.
Dividing your attention between us ladies, multiplying yourself equally.
Developing the energy and right to conquer the land I developed.
Marrying off your daughters to try to disengage your son.
Feeling real in the morning quickly turns to that reeling feel in your dreams.
Timing the bomb so that it forces you to come on time to set me off.
Pulling at the very same strings I shortened last time you pulled.
Giving me those eyes like I’m the bad guy – I’m not, you see.
Having to give everything in order to get everything you have.
Looking at yourself in the mirror looking at me who looks at you.
Strangling those friends who grip your neck to make you feel like you fit in.
Confusing the lines on my face with the lines I drew to confuse your face.
Grumbling to your mother who taught you how to grumble like a mother.
Jumping ahead of the rat race passing the rodent who put you there.
Running backwards to the fate you desperately ran from long ago.
Faking it because you just can’t help being real.
He tastes as good as we’re worth.
So what am I going to do?
She drowns faster than the fish in the bowl.
Who are you going to blame?
They take turns to decide.
Right now there are four of them. Each looks at their reflection.
Should we tell you?
Fake some deaths. King of the fucking world.
I need to walk around. He needs to come with me. No.
I want him to come with me.
Can you hold my hand, dear?
She’s about to fall through the gap.
Not really sure what to do now.
Where are you?
You scare me more than you love me.
Don’t play games with this ring.
Means too much.
Force the curve on me.
It’s like a tattoo on my inner most self.
It’s not going to come off, is it?
Oh shit.
I’m as free as they come, so they say.
Speak to me and revel in the fact that I’m listening.
People see in me things that I don’t.
I frown louder than you smile.
I’m like the faceless clown at your wedding.
Like.
It starts on day eleven and takes me over until day twenty seven.
That’s sixteen more.
I can do this… right?
Because he doesn’t know.
So, it’s okay.
I’m about to explode.
No, implode.
Explode.
Hallucinations burn me.
Run me over with your convictions, but only once.
I will now forget your birthday.
Didn’t mean to.
I’m just a fool.
A wandering fool.
I have to go away and cry.
