SerenaObhrai.com

These endless nights awake become endless weeks
In the hopes that one day you will return.
Soar over the trees and over the peaks,
Until you find yourself back here to turn
All these dreary walls into fun again.
I admire your generosity,
Your sensitivity and untold pain,
And I pray that one day you can hold me.
Now, let’s cut to the chase, pleasant sire
And recreate those moments in my dreams.
For I know not what you really desire,
I can only provide what there may seem.
Come now and dance within my heart of hearts -
Only now will we know what we do start.

I have cried many a tear for you, my love
in the hopes that you would return.
I have found many a soul that were not you, my love
after the inevitable crash and burn.

I have been sat by the window all night, my love
as all I did before was pack.
I have thrown out all your things, my love
and they’re not coming back.

I have walked many a night alone, my love
praying you were just around the corner.
I have cooked and thrown many an extra meal, my love
just to feel my face get a little sterner.

I have cuddled that damn pillow again, my love
cringing at it not being you.
I have wanted to dance in the rain, my love
but, you were unable to see past you.

I am saddened by our lack of procreation, my love
and perhaps it’s for the best.
I have broken your trust, my love
and god only knows all the rest.

I have spilt the wine from our goblet, my love
and it splatters on the floor.
I have spoken your name for the last time, my love
It’s time to see you out the door.

I have hurt myself enough, my love.
The scars are too deep.
I have had just about enough, my love.
It’s time to go to sleep.

I sit down and there I see you. Starting from your feet to your head, you are dressed in a way that only my brain recognises as good taste. Smart, comfy shoes, waist length jacket, scarf neatly tucked around your neck and hair styled to perfection. I see you and you see me. We look at each other and look away. I cannot believe what I see. There you are, right there, waiting for me.

I look in the glass pane ahead of me and I see you staring at me in the reflection. I smile knowing you’re looking at me and watch you teeter on a smile in the reflection. You make me blush – it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way; I’m half excited by it. My cheeks go red, but I refuse to take my eyes off you.

You continue to stare until I make you go a funny shade of red, too. Well, your skin is a little paler than mine, so it’s more obvious. I bite my lip and try to hide my smile, but to no avail. You see me do it, return the cheeky smile and immediately look away. I see I’ve captured you and the best part is that you don’t mind. You are enthralled by something on my face and the second best part is that you have captured me too.

So, here we are; I sit… and you stand. A couple of minutes of not-looking go by. We’re adults, we can get through this. I suddenly realise I’m on the wrong train and have to get out to change in a minute or two. I panic. I look at you and you quickly look at me in the commotion of sudden head-turning. You’re not smiling. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Are you going to get off too? Oh, please say yes and somehow telepathically send it to my lonesome brain.

I notice you shuffle forward a little and hope you are leaving the train to stand on the platform and stare at me some more in your ever-so light and playful manner. I grab my handbag and make a point to stand. You don’t move. We come into the station and the train stops. I stand and the doors open. I see you make a beeline for the door and I merrily walk on behind you as if I’m just about to pass the finish line having left everyone a hundred yards behind. I can take my time now because I know you’ll be there when I finally cross the gap between the train and the platform.

You make your way to the other side of the platform as I potter on out. I edge forwards slowly and something clicks inside me. I’m now out of my zone. A sudden wave of insecurity rushes over me and I am terrified of you looking at me again. I turn my back to you and hope the train never comes. No, wait. I want it to come now. No, never. Ever again. I want to stand here on the platform with you and smile my way to my death knowing I died smiling real smiles that were unplanned and blush-worthy. With you.

Damn. Have I gone mad? My train will be here any second now and I haven’t even gone to talk to you. I haven’t even looked at you since we hit the platform. What is wrong with me? My brain says no. No talking. My mouth is in dismay at the sheer thought of not being used. But, my brain somehow wins. I’m going to play it cool – like Jessica Rabbit. She was cool, right? I meander on over away from you and then turn to face you like it was all meant to happen naturally and I didn’t think anything of it.

Of course, you’ve been staring at me the whole time. You look at me with your soft, blue eyes and give me that look – “You’re so cute.” Yeah, I’m so cute and very damn stupid letting my brain take over if you ask me, but of course you don’t need to know all of that. Just keep looking at me with those eyes. I muster a tiny, embarrassed smile and falter. You smile at me not being able to smile. This is starting to backfire. You own me, standing there on that platform at 1am in need of a hug so badly. And I think you know it.

You look away and so do I. I turn away from you once more and wait for my train. I now feel your warm breath against my neck asking me for my name. I turn to face you but you’re back where you were before. Standing there, guarding those blue eyes from the eye gremlins because you know as well as I do that they are precious. Precious for my attention. But, it was the gremlins that breathed on my neck just then.

My train peers its ugly head around the corner of the platform and I drop my head in sorrow. I daren’t turn around in case you’re no longer looking out for me and I begrudgingly take a couple of baby steps forward. Oddly enough, I step back into the zone and a rush comes over me. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve now decided to go out gallantly and not like a beggar. My hair finds itself flowing and making its way off of my face to show the world who I am and I stand tall.

My train is my own and it’s going to gallop on home – and take me with it. As the train pulls in and comes to a stop I ready myself for the walk inside, handbag at the ready. I stride onto the carriage; confidently placing myself in a seat in the centre of the row of seats and, of course, I face you.

I get to see you again. My heart starts to race again. I knew I was smart for waiting to see you again. I knew it would make me melt again. I’m just glad I sat down, because you are… you are there, standing fully facing the train as if you are about to see off your husband to war. You lean forward gracefully, only the slightest movement, to make sure I can definitely see you. You raise your hand to wave me goodbye. My arm automatically lifts itself to return your most gracious favour.

This is our moment and it’ll be saved forever. I’ll never forget you. Goodbye my secret, staring friend. The train doors beep, beep, beep and close. I see you see me and I smile for us – this time with teeth. I want to show them off. And I want to show them to you.