SerenaObhrai.com

Doing things for the sake of doing things for the sake of doing them.
Using bait to fish for the same compliments you were fishing for last summer.
Speaking to the same ignorant fucks who enjoyed fucking me over yesterday.
Spending time with her again because you feel obliged to make up the lost time.
Stealing glances from me in the same way you glanced at her ass.
Trying to grow from the seeds we planted for the good-of-the-whole tree.
Knowing they’re not yours you knew you’d know them soon.
Screwing the neighbours in your attempts to screw me, the neighbour.
Dividing your attention between us ladies, multiplying yourself equally.
Developing the energy and right to conquer the land I developed.
Marrying off your daughters to try to disengage your son.
Feeling real in the morning quickly turns to that reeling feel in your dreams.
Timing the bomb so that it forces you to come on time to set me off.
Pulling at the very same strings I shortened last time you pulled.
Giving me those eyes like I’m the bad guy – I’m not, you see.
Having to give everything in order to get everything you have.
Looking at yourself in the mirror looking at me who looks at you.
Strangling those friends who grip your neck to make you feel like you fit in.
Confusing the lines on my face with the lines I drew to confuse your face.
Grumbling to your mother who taught you how to grumble like a mother.
Jumping ahead of the rat race passing the rodent who put you there.
Running backwards to the fate you desperately ran from long ago.

Faking it because you just can’t help being real.

He tastes as good as we’re worth.
So what am I going to do?

She drowns faster than the fish in the bowl.
Who are you going to blame?

They take turns to decide.

Right now there are four of them. Each looks at their reflection.
Should we tell you?

Fake some deaths. King of the fucking world.

I need to walk around. He needs to come with me. No.
I want him to come with me.

Can you hold my hand, dear?
She’s about to fall through the gap.

Not really sure what to do now.
Where are you?

You scare me more than you love me.
Don’t play games with this ring.

Means too much.

Force the curve on me.
It’s like a tattoo on my inner most self.

It’s not going to come off, is it?
Oh shit.

I’m as free as they come, so they say.
Speak to me and revel in the fact that I’m listening.
People see in me things that I don’t.
I frown louder than you smile.
I’m like the faceless clown at your wedding.
Like.

It starts on day eleven and takes me over until day twenty seven.
That’s sixteen more.
I can do this… right?
Because he doesn’t know.
So, it’s okay.

I’m about to explode.
No, implode.
Explode.

Hallucinations burn me.
Run me over with your convictions, but only once.
I will now forget your birthday.
Didn’t mean to.

I’m just a fool.
A wandering fool.

I have to go away and cry.

well, xmas and new years was eventful. i didn’t really get to sit around much and chill – spent a lot of time seeing people, especially family. so, the family all got together (first in nottingham and then in shropshire) and many games were played. twas a fun christmas for the first time in years with the whole family together in th same place; eating and drinking merrily. there were about 13 of us at one point playing cranium and my-oh-my was that a lot of fun, as well as the biggest headache on the planet. haha. new years’ was spent on old street with everyone together, again a whole bunch of fun, cos i got to see all the friends again.

i flew back today, and have just been chilling… school tomoro

this is so not tre cool. the fucking train and bus drivers are all trying to strike on a day where everyone in school relies on them to get to the school and set up for the performance in the evening. what a day to choose! what a damn day to choose! :/ it’s past midnight and there has been no decision, and the mayor is all “keep your fingers crossed new yorkers”. and you can only carpool below 96th if you have 4 people in the car. how stupid is this? i need to be at 14th!

i’m gonna start walking now from queens…

performance is tomoro night… /me quivers. tomoro day is all about preperation and rehearsals in the actual theatre. i open the night also, with my scene partner, so i’m pretty goddamn nervous, but stupidly excited also. i have two crazily painful lumps in my neck (both of which appeared sometime between last night and this evening) – which i hope are due to stress and not gonna kill me or anything. might cover them up with a plaster or something – i’m a bum after all, i can look like a cripple and it only helps me to get into character i am going to perform tomoro even if it kills me to do so!

got some last minute costume things to prepare and then i’m set and gonna hit the sack. didn’t sleep a wink last night, scared myself somehow, thinking there was a deranged man at my door and out my window (god knows how he made it to both) coming in to get me. was quite cold and pretty damn scared, i tells you. i think that’s how i got the lumps – they could be stress related. all the while i thought i was dreaming. maybe i was? pah.

i was sleeping good also these past few weeks, but the stress of the performance this week and last week brought back my insomnia. i am pretty damn tired. my face also has suffered – got little red patches and spots on my cheeks. arg! who knew performing live would make this happen – it didn’t happen the last time!

anyhoos, going to sort stuff out… then sleep a much needed sleep. i leave you with a samuel beckett quote:

“Try. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

so, doctor has no idea what’s wrong with my back… he says my spine is just a little twisted and he can see no problems with my x-rays. mary (my movement teacher) says i should take my x-rays to an orthopaedist… she’s all worried, aww

i cracked quite a funny joke today in acting for film about fawlty towers and faulty tapes (an old one my mum said once by accident) and no one laughed. the room was dead, and everyone stared at me. now, this was because i was being filmed at the time… oh my, the embarrasment… the yanks know very little about british humour! *cry* and they call themselves actors. pah.

so, our performance looms closer; in fact, it’s in 8 days! i’m actually very excited at this point. we’ll see how it goes, and of course i’ll keep you updated. should have all my manhattan buddies attending it, so that should be gewd thank god for samuel beckett!

xx

so, yeh, we got snow /me dances.

phoned the docs on thursay and friday, twice each day, to see if they had my xrays and they said no. they said on thursday that they’ll have them for friday anf when i called on friday they said the xray place still has them because their computers went down and they haven’t been able to look at them properly. sigh. i’ll call back monday, i guess.

managed to spend friday night drinking for about 14 hours straight with friends, and spent only $14! and two of the drinks i bought weren’t even for me. i had about 6 drinks bought for me by complete strangers, the rest were by friends randomly, and i did two tequila and tabasco shots with a barman (who some of my friends knew). all in all, a good night

so, i had my xrays on monday. doctor said call him 3 days later – which i assume to mean that’s when he’ll get them. i called today (wednesday) cos i got impatient, but receptionist said call in the morning and she’ll call the radiology department to find out where they went. the back pain is affecting school, my sleep, my temper, my scenes with other people and my general movement. i’ve seriously had enough. on the xray day the woman said she wanted to do more because “it didn’t look pretty and that the bones weren’t in the right places”. now, that freaked me out (i’m already in only my knickers because i had to put on a robe and am laying on a metal table in some awkward position… i just felt defeated and humiliated), and i had nothing left in me to ask her more questions. so that either means my back is messed up or her xrays didn’t come out right. i don’t really know what to think or feel at the moment…

i had a panic attack on sunday night and luckily i had a friend staying over to get me my meds. i can’t take the muscle relaxants in the day because they make me drowsy and i fall asleep, so i stopped taking them, but that night my back just seized up. all the muscles from the top of my neck down to my coxis had seized around the spine and i couldn’t move. i have no idea what i did to make that happen, but it lasted about an hour, and i was in serious pain. i had to shout for my friend to get me my muscle relaxants and water cos i couldn’t move. now, that’s like the second or third time that’s happened in the last 3 years, so i dunno what to think. but it hurt like hell, and i just panicked afterwards and just cried. sigh. it’d be nice if it was just my hand that hurt or something, instead of something like my back that affects everything. grr. so, yeh, things are a bit slow at the moment.

i can’t jump around anymore or move very much. in one of my classes today jordan walked in late, and we were sat in a circle (improv class) and he just tapped me on the back for me to move over so he could squeeze in and it just hurt. later, as if he didn’t already cause me enough damage (this is during the mimic round where you imitate everything one person in the circle does), avinash waves his arms about (we’re all copying him) and then slaps the back of his fellow neighbour. and, yes, you guessed it. jordan smacks my back right in the centre where it hurts, and i just yelled. it was quite a funny moment looking back on it now, but at the time i just wanted to break his neck! haha

so, everyne’s geared up for christmas already over here. it’s been like this for a few weeks now, as soon as halloween ended, the chrisrmas decor went up. we have a christmas tree which is all spangly and sparkly (i think it’s like 6-8 feet and all REAL!), and i’m yet to add the angel on the top – that’ll be my addition – but, haven’t found a nice one yet. it hasn’t started snowing yet, and today was a crazily warm day for winter, so hopefully the weather gets its arse in gear and gives me snow!

ok well time to get some kip, got schooly tomoro.

sleep tight you wonderful people.

-xxxxx-

…but i’m still ‘ere and still alive. bit tipsy, but you know how it goes. big cities get to you after a while. anyway…! since my last post i’ve done a few things. let’s see…

halloween:

halloween rocked! our class was the only class that made full use of the halloween spirit and dressed up. we had an 80s prom queen, a kinda gothic queen, erm… an 80s roadie (who actually looked like sharon osbourne), pregnant britney, link from zelda (me), a toilet, a bruised bum, a fortune teller and aragon… oh and a dude who was himself but in summer clothing (narf). this day was super cool; everyone could get away with everything. we even ended up filming monologues on this day, so we got to see them on film! haha, they all sucked because we were all uber hyper because of halloween, but anyway, that day ruled. we started off going to liz’s place, after buying bottles of wine at the local offy. this just ended up in people removing costumes and drinking heavily. then we ended up going to the halloween parade afterwards (down spring street), which was jam packed full of people, and for some reason we all ended up walking a whole bunch before actually catching the parade. by this time everyone had had enough and we’d all packed ourselves into a bar ordering drinks. i had organised a little party back at mine in queens, so i invited those that wanted to come back to mine, to mine. when we got back here, the mayhem started. adam (rebecca’s bloke) arrived, and so did shcuba steve and his friend from downstairs. lots of drinking ensued, but finished early as we all had school the next day. james (aragon) did have a sweetass trick that he played on me though. along with everyone else. i went to the bathroom to fix my blonde wig, and they had decided to aid james in his party pranks. the night ended with a beer can being lit, my face covered in black marks and everyone falling over themselves laughing because the game rules stated that you can’t laugh. it was a good trick though, i have to admit. won’t give away details, i may use it one day

medical:

well, on the downside, my back’s been playing up again. been to the doctor twice so far, and have an x-ray scheduled for next monday. not a good sign, i guess, but the doctor doesn’t really know what to do. sheesh, it’s costing an arm and a leg to see any medically certified dude/dudess here, and it sucks. i have to do all the paperwork myself and take said paperwork to necessary people to get seen, and prolly bring it back again. they don’t do anything here. lazy buggers. no one knows what’s up, and no one prolly will, to be honest. anyway. let’s hope it’s not serious else you’ll have an annoyed weena on your hands.

friends:

i’ve met so many more people on the course, the list keeps growing. i’ve pretty much made friends with the entire 5 groups that started in september, and we’ve all been out a few times to get to know each other; by coincidence really. it’s been fun though, met more brits: eleanor, kitty, darren and graham, and loads of others: paolo, nicholas, harald (not sure if i mentioned him before, but i shot a scene with him for a director), christopher, fabiola, pedro, tristen, steven… i could go on, but it serves little purpose. all in all, i love the school and the people in it. ask me in 5 months, and i’ll have a different tone, i guarantee you.

shooting:

shot one more scene from a movie, just by chance – a girl from the july program called me (darren passed on my number) and asked if i could fill in last minute, so i said yes. i ended up going in at 12 the next day (collected the script from the director the day before at about 10pm at columbus circle just before hitting a house party downtown). partied all night and got home abot 3am. got to the shooting the next day, and find out that the lead actor (tristen) hasn’t made it, and darren has just turned up. tristen gets outcast and darren and i end up acting in the scene, which was quite an emotional battle. had to spend the day crying, but i managed it pretty much. need to still get this on film.

erm… i’m a little wooozy now… if i remember anything else, i’ll update you…

-peace out-